it's getting hard to swallow now, and the lone grey walls- they crumble down;
I can't wait to be better.
I can't wait to be free.
-------

...Today has been one helluva day, and my first track race experience ever.

I almost died during the race.
No kidding.
("...What if I just twist my ankle right here...? ...I won't be able to run then.")
...And as usual, Doubt reached its tiny insidious fingers into my mind and murmured little words of deceit.

But then I decided, "Screw Doubt...Imma run."

...I came in 22nd.
When I heard the news, I didn't know whether to laugh (because I had come in among the top 25 out of over a hundred runners) or to cry (because I had missed the 20th runner mark by two effing positions.)

So I did both.

Joshua: Caraaaaaa you did it!
Cara: What was my position?
Joshua: 22nd! You did it hahaha, well done...omigosh are you crying?!

...Not that I have any regrets about the race.
I've learnt that EVERY normal person, after a race, starts thinking, "Aw gee, I could have run harder."
Which is, like, DUH. Because by the time you get around to thinking that, you've recovered and not dying and have got your strength back up again.

But I know I ran hard, I know I did.

The last stretch almost killed me.
I rounded the corner and brushed past some CCKS runner; and then I thought, " To charge, or not to charge?"

And according to Oprah, when in doubt- say no.
But I beg to differ.
And I started building up speed,
(up and up and up and up)
until I thought my rattling lungs were going to collapse and fall into a crevice in my small intestine.

I still remember-- the only thought in my head was
For God, for the team; for God, for the team;
and I could barely see; but then in my mind, I saw the faces of the canoeing team like smiling, still shots;
(we believe in you,
and we trust you,
all the way,
last charge- c'mon, c'mon)
and I swung my arms and opened my strides and ran so hard it hurt, and overtook another runner (push, push, don't give in)

(breathe their names as you suffer)

and then the next thing I knew, I was across the finishing line and I almost fell into the arms of a Crescent girl.

Crescent girl: Are you okay?
Me: (thinks: Obviously not!!!) ...*barely manages to gasp* ...Water.
Crescent girl: Oh, this water isn't for you; you have to go over there to the NJ crowd- *points somewhere in the distance*- and get water from there.
Me: *promptly dies on the spot*

So yeah.
I guess 22nd isn't a bad result; after all, I DID have a disadvantage-
I hadn't had the chance to really train in a week,
I'm not a tracker to begin with,
and I had only light jogged the race route once.

...But all the disadvantages in the world could never make up a good excuse;
and if there ever IS a next time-
- I'm going to run again with no regrets, like today-
but I WILL GET INTO THE TOP 20.

And back to MG matters.
Raina came in one or two positions before me-- when she was at my level, I remember going, "Come on, MG";
and she gave me this surprised look, and then half-smiled. (I'm guessing here... it might just have been a grimace.)
Cahmon- after all, I DO still love MG. I love MG AND NJ; so sue me if there's a law against free love!

...I'm surprised that I beat Christel Fung and Charissa Ong, though.
I mean- back in MG- I went around life under the impression that they were the immortal fasties.
...So I suppose that means that my fitness levels've gone up, but I'm still awesomely dissatisfied
and I am going to push harder, harder, harder
until I become the best I can possibly be.

NJ track-- take heart!
I'm inspired by you guys, really- and you KNOW you gave your heart for this race.
Keep pushing, keep praying, keep holding on-- you guys're gunna go far.

with pulsing breath you hush your mind
a static symphony of sound
your feet, they tremble at the line
but you will stand your ground.

heightened worry; deep and painful Fear
taps expectantly at the door
but you must declare that you're booked for life--
--remember who you're fighting for.

the race begins-- sinewy legs drum
a rhythmic tension growing loud
And you- not the topdog nor the winner under-
get lost inside the crowd.

Breathe! you plead silently with yourself
No pain, no fear, no fear
and still they're fastersleekerbetterbest
is all that you can hear.


...I scribbled that early this morning, but didn't get a chance to finish it. So here goes.

with a heart about to break you fight your mind
(angels, angels all around)
your lungs, they will bleed before the line
but you will stand your ground.